How to be an Israeli Government Spokesperson

Tetleys TLDR: The summary

• Shout constantly: Start loud, stay loud. Talk over the interviewer like you’re auditioning for a role as a fascist foghorn.
• Invoke October 7th at every opportunity, regardless of the question.  Make up atrocities if needed (beheaded babies, pregnant women butchered, etc.).
• NEVER mention IDF helicopters firing on Israeli civilians. Pretend it never happened.
• If asked about starving Gazans, claim Hamas is hoarding all the aid, even if the food is literally still stuck in a holding pen inside Israel.
• Blame everyone for the carnage in Gaza except Israel:
  • Hamas
  • The UN
  • The BBC
  • Oxfam
  • Malala
  • Oxygen
• Cry antisemitism the second you’re challenged. Accuse journalists of being Hamas sympathisers for asking anything factual.
  
• Say 'Israel has a right to defend itself' on loop. Doesn’t matter what the topic is, say it again.
• Be an unapologetic weapons-grade cunt the whole time. The goal isn’t to inform, it’s to dominate, intimidate, and shut down scrutiny.
• Randomly throw in that 'Israel is the only Jewish State', conveniently ignoring that there are twice as many Jews in the diaspora as there are in Israel, that 25% of the population of Israel aren't Jewish, that America almost has as many Jews as Israel, that a significant part of the diaspora doesn't support Israel and as is as sick of your shit as everyone else and that the Soviet Union had a Jewish State at least 20 years before Israel even existed.
• If you mention the hostages, don't get drawn into any conversation that pulls you into a dialogue about why Israel, a country that has an exceptional record of extracting hostages, has done NOTHING to free them and that the IDF has most probably killed most, if not all of them in air strikes.
• If you follow all this, you’ll be adored in Israel, feared by media producers, and absolutely complicit in a moral catastrophe.

The Complete Step-by-Step Guide to Gaslighting, Shouting, Lying, and Blaming Everyone But Yourself

Authorised by the Hasbara Ministry of Professional Outrage™

Starring: David Mencer, Mark Regev, Eylon Levy and Tzipi fucking Hotovely

Rated: WGC: Weapons Grade Cunt

Tetleys TLDR: The article

Step 1: Open with a Righteous Bellow

Don’t wait for pleasantries.  Own your cuntishness.  Be a shouty little shit.  Start angry, stay angry. Remember: you’re not here to answer questions. You’re here to perform moral indignation while your army levels cities. 

A good opening line might be:

“Let me stop you right there before you say another Hamas talking point.”

Doesn’t matter if the host just said “Good morning.” Treat it like a war crime.

Step 2: Weaponise October 7th Immediately and Indefinitely

Mention it before they do. Mention it even if you're being asked about an Israeli missile hitting a tent full of kids.  Lie freely:

• "50 beheaded babies."
• "Babies cut from the womb."
• "Girls raped so hard their pelvises shattered."
  No evidence? Doesn’t matter. Say it again.

“We found a baby in an oven. Don’t ask for photos. Push that asking for proof is antisemitic.”

BUT: do not, under any circumstances, mention the IDF helicopters that gunned down Israeli civilians as they tried to escape the Nova festival. Pretend that bit never happened.  You probably shouldn't mention the three hostages that escaped and were carrying white flags when the IDF shot them.  Deny profusely that there is a 'Hannibal Directive'.

Step 3: Hijack Every Question, Then Blame Hamas for Everything

Disregard nearly 80 years of land theft, oppression, ethnic cleansing and dehumanising of an entire population...

Are they asking why the IDF is sniping kids in aid queues? Easy:

“Why are you ignoring how Hamas steals all the aid?”

Are they talking about dead journalists, blown up hospitals, white phosphorus on refugee camps?

“The real story here is: Hamas. Still. Exists.”

Is there evidence? Of course not. But you say it until they move on. You’re not paid to tell the truth: you’re paid to make sure nobody else can.

Step 4: When Cornered, Blame Literally Anyone Else

Try this rotation:

• Blame it on Hamas
• Blame it on the UN
• Blame it on the BBC
• Blame it on UNRWA
• Blame it on Iran
• Blame it on Gazan mothers for giving birth in the first place
• Blame it on the Boogie 

But whatever you do:

DO NOT acknowledge that every single Hamas leader involved in October 7th is now dead.

Because if you do, people might ask: so why are you still bombing children?

Step 5: Redefine Words Mid-Interview

Proportionality means 'flattening a city block if someone fires a rocket'

Self-defence means 'killing 15,000 kids'

Humanitarian corridor means 'target zone'

Ceasefire means 'antisemitism' - Gaslight with gusto.

“Starvation? That’s Hamas’ fault. We’ve provided ample aid. It's not our fault it’s rotting in a pen on the Israeli side of the border while we bomb the crossing.”

Step 6: Cry Antisemitism the Second You're Challenged

The moment they ask you a real question, or cite Amnesty or the ICC, or show a photo of a dead baby, you deploy:

“I’m shocked by this bias. Frankly, I didn’t expect this level of antisemitism from a British institution.”

It works. Every. Time. Especially on Radio 4, where bland middle-class politeness overrides basic journalistic instinct.

Step 7: Be a Complete Weapons Grade Cunt All the Way Through

Interrupt. Shout. Gaslight. Blame. Project.

Repeat until they’re too exhausted to carry on.  If you’re asked about mass graves, say:

“Hamas uses cemeteries for terror tunnels.”

If you’re asked about bombing schools, say:

“That’s where Hamas stores rockets.”

If you’re asked about genocide, say:

“How dare you? You sound like Goebbels.”

Smile smugly as you wrap up by accusing them of supporting terrorism.

“You should be ashamed of this interview. But I’m not surprised. This is the world we live in now.”

Then leave. Victorious. Smug. Unconscionable.

Congratulations!

You’ve graduated from the Hasbara School of Spin and Sociopathy™.

You're now fully certified to go on BBC, Sky, CNN, or any outlet desperate enough to let ethno-fascist mouthpieces scream down a grieving doctor.  Here's your gold star and a commemorative mug:

'I Denied a Genocide Live on Air: And All I Got Was This Smug Shit-Eating Grin'

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