Jonathan Gullis joins Reform UK Ltd: The natural habitat for retired wankers
TetleysTLDR: The summary
Jonathan Gullis joining Reform UK Ltd is less a political move and more a biological one, like mould finally finding the damp patch it was destined for. The former Tory snot-goblin, once described (accurately) as part runny turd and part reactionary wankspanner, has simply returned to his natural habitat: a retirement home for washed-up right-wing wankers who think ‘cultural Marxism’ is a spell from Harry Potter. Booted from the public’s patience in Stoke and too unhinged even for the post-Truss Tory train crash, Gullis has nestled neatly among Reform UK Ltd’s collection of angry weekend dads, failed culture warriors and men who believe shouting ‘woke’ constitutes a policy platform. Reform think they’ve gained an asset, but all they’ve really done is staple another loud, useless gammon to their collapsing circus tent. In short: Reform didn’t recruit Gullis, they absorbed him like a fatburg sucking in a turd down a blocked drain. And he'll fit in perfectly.
Well then. Here we are. The circle is complete. The prophecy has unfolded. The nation has borne witness to the inevitable: Jonathan 'thick as a Boxing Day turd' Gullis - the Tory Party's sentient snot bubble has finally shuffled off into Reform UK Ltd: a place that is rapidly morphing into the retirement home for reactionary washed up wankers, hard right has beens and blokes who think 'woke' in an insult.
In truth, it was only a matter of time. If Reform needed a mascot, a kind of Poundland Mussolini with a 2:2 from Oxford Brookes, Gullis was always going to be their man. This is not a defection. This is a repatriation. He has simply returned to his spiritual homeland: a political outfit where nuance goes to die and where the collective IQ is lower than the discount price of a Laurence Fox cameo.
Reform UK Ltd isn’t so much a party anymore as it is a hospice for reactionary has-beens who’ve been rejected even by the modern Tory Party, and let's unpack that - this is the party that elected Liz Truss, remember, and is now fronted by Kemi Bad Enoch. So when even the shattered, mould-ridden corpse of Toryism says, ‘Nah mate, you’re too much of a prick for us,’ you know exactly which door he'll be knocking on next. And lo, Jonathan Gullis answered the call.
Back in February 2023, before the Tory Party fully collapsed in on itself like a dying star of bullshit, I wrote this during a month ban from Twatface in a journal called 30 days in a hole:
Wow and there you have it. It was only a matter of time before one of these reactionary wankspanners called a trade union leader the ‘C’ word for having the audacity to engage in collective action against one of the most out of control piece of shit Governments this country has ever seen. That C word is 'Communist'.
Back then, people still said things like, ‘Surely MPs can’t get worse.’ oh those blue remembered hills, those halcyon days of innocence.
Then along came Jonathan ‘not so much born as curled off’ Gullis. Even in the dying days of Conservative rule, he managed to be a standout specimen: a bottom-of-the-barrel Tory, only narrowly beaten to the title of Biggest Tory Prick by Lee ‘30p Lee’ Anderson. Anderson eventually jumped to Reform UK Ltd too, because of course he did – but Gullis? He’s a whole other level of ringpiece. Anderson is just thick. Gullis is thick and unhinged. A rare and beautiful combination for the political satirist.
A sort of ideological chimera built from chalk dust, Tippex fumes and unprocessed resentment. Back when he was Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for School Standards (a sentence it still hurts to type), he conducted himself like a furious supply teacher who’s been told he’s on lunch duty again and has decided to blame the French. A few reminders, for the newly traumatised:
- He is one of the anti-woke brigade who bandies about phrases like ‘cultural Marxism’ as if he knows what they mean.
- He described BLM as an ‘attack on the nuclear family’, the police, civilisation, the West, Christmas, and whatever else his brain-stem whispered to him that morning.
- He said that anyone who talks about ‘white privilege’ should be reported to the Home Office as an extremist.
- When historical slavery in the Navy was mentioned, he dismissed it as ‘left-wing ideological nonsense’.
- He stated that teachers should be sacked if they criticise the Tory Party.
OK: A man in charge of school standards who thought freedom of speech was fine – just as long as you didn’t use it.
One of the most important details of his pre-politics life when he was a teacher remains my favourite:
He used to be a union rep!
Somewhere, a psychiatrist is building an extension to his suburban house on the back of that revelation alone. And yet, despite his long and storied career as a runny-turd-adjacent wankspangle, at least he was contained. The Tories kept him in a box labelled ‘Do Not Feed After Midnight’. The public, largely, ignored his tantrums. The nation developed a kind of Gullis Tolerance. But now?
Now He’s been unleashed into Reform UK Ltd, a place where tantrums aren’t discouraged – they’re policy.
Reform UK Ltd: A Turd Lava Lamp
Reform UK Ltd (always remember the ‘Ltd’ – it’s the only party registered at Companies House because of course it bloody is) is essentially the Tufton Street fan club with added racism and fewer working printers.
For those in the know it wouldn’t surprise you to know that this prick is a member of the Tufton Club – that’s kind of like the Tufty Club for reactionary man babies with a stick up their arse that want to screw the country up. Other Alumni include Jacob Rees-Mogg and our former Prime Minister of 49 days Liz Truss who was so shit she trashed the country and, following her visit to the palace to accept the role of PM, curtsying like a kangaroo with love eggs up its rectum, the Queen thought fuck this and promptly died. So, Gullis is a member of the European Research Group – a cabal of dark money funded neo-liberal extremists that were so keen to get him into Parliament that they stood him unsuccessfully, in Sunderland West before getting him into Stoke on Trent North.
Other alumni of this clown car crash include:
- Nigel Farage, the eternal barfly of British populism.
- Richard Tice, a man who gives off the energy of a golf club committee member who was asked to leave for inappropriate behaviour with a sausage roll.
- Lee Anderson, who defected out of spite, grift and the inevitable gravitational pull of stupidity.
- Liz Truss .... fill in as appropriate, mention a lettuce.
The party is so rammed with discarded Tory parts it resembles the spares bin at a political scrap yard. And this is where Gullis now roosts:
amongst the mothballs, the retired gammon, and the ideological compost heap of yesterday’s right-wing failures. This isn’t a new chapter for him.
It’s a diagnosis.
Why Gullis fits Reform UK Ltd like a used condom on a spiked fence
Reform UK Ltd isn’t trying to grow. It’s trying to fester, and Gullis brings exactly the right bacterial culture:
- performative outrage
- anti-woke drivel
- conspiratorial bollocks
- a CV that screams ‘needs adult supervision’
He’ll fit right in. They’ll love him at Reform HQ.
They can all sit around sharing war stories about how the country went to hell the moment people started caring about other humans.
And Here’s the Real Joke
Reform UK Ltd thinks Gullis is an asset. This is the political equivalent of proudly attaching a wasp nest to your trouser zip because you think it’ll improve the feng shui. Even the Tory voters of Stoke-on-Trent North eventually looked at him and said:
‘Nah, mate. Enough is enough.’ So now he’s in Reform, snarling away with the other disappointed weekend dads of British politics. A party of men who think reading George Orwell once makes them philosophers.
Stoke, I mean come on – what the fuck were you thinking? Even Ruth Smeeth, at her lynching black activist Chris Wadsworth worst, was better than this piece of lumpy arse gravy. And she train-wrecked a whole political party. Anyway, apologies for veering off a bit. As an Education Minister during a huge wave of strikes you’d think that he’d have been wanting to find a road map to resolution. But no – that’s not the Gullis way. His first salvo was to blast the leaders of the National Education Union as Bolshevik and Commie. After irrationally blasting the union leaders he gaslit that teachers, who last went on large scale strikes 12 years ago, ‘strike at the drop of a hat’ Hardly conducive to conciliation and indicative of the way this strike panned out. As an aside, this man in charge of Educating our kids put his Lower Second Class Honours (2:2) – that’s the one you get for just turning up - from Oxford Brookes (that’s the one in Oxford that isn’t part of Oxford Uni) to good use. He was formerly a teacher in Sutton Coldfield at the Fairfax Academy, Blackfen Girls School and Ashlawn School. In anyone’s book, that’s got to be child abuse. Putting this reactionary ring-piece in charge of children.
Jonathan Gullis joining Reform is not shocking. It’s not interesting. It’s not even notable. It’s depressingly predictable – like mould on a bathroom ceiling or Laurence Fox losing another court case and shouting at his ex on Doctor Who. Reform UK Ltd is the political equivalent of a Wetherspoons carpet: loud, unpleasant, sticky, and harbouring stains no one really wants to identify.
And Gullis? He’s just another stain. A familiar one. No point using th shake and vac on this. The freshness will never come back
A useless, raging, runny-turd-adjacent stain who has finally found the one political party thick enough to think he’s a rising star.
Tetley is a left of centre writer and retired musician based in the UK. A former member of the Labour Party, he writes political analysis exposing Britain’s authoritarian drift, the criminalisation of protest, and the erosion of civil liberties.
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