There's no place like Nome
TetleysTLDR: The summary
On August 15, 2025, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin will meet at Joint Base Elmendorf–Richardson in Anchorage, Alaska. Putin’s first US visit since 2015. Officially framed as a 'listening exercise' to explore ending the Russia–Ukraine war, the meeting is drawing global scrutiny given Putin’s ICC arrest warrant and insistence on Ukrainian territorial concessions. The location carries Cold War symbolism and underscores Alaska’s Russian colonial past, sold to the US in 1867 for $7.2 million. Critics warned the summit risked legitimising Putin while sidelining Ukraine, with some noting the irony of discussing Russian expansionism in a state once ruled by the Tsars.
TetleysTLDR: The article
Today, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin will meet in Anchorage, Alaska, at the Joint Base Elmendorf–Richardson, marking their first face-to-face encounter on U.S. soil since Trump’s 2024 re-election and Putin’s first return to the US since 2015. This secluded military venue, once a linchpin of Cold War defences and still pivotal to US air and radar operations, offers high security and symbolic weight. The summit is officially billed as a 'listening exercise’ designed to probe potential paths toward resolving the Russia–Ukraine war all while global eyes remain wary, especially in light of Putin’s ICC arrest warrant and European insistence that Ukraine must play a role in any territorial talks.
Of course it may be a listening post but it is a strategic part of NATO infrastructure that I'm sure the Russian delegation will be taking more than a little interest in. In the past their spies have been shot trying to get a glimpse of what Trump, by inviting them there, is giving them on a silver platter.
It reminds me a little of the Russian taking covert photographs in the Stanley Kubrick film 'Doctor Strangelove'. "You can't fight in here! This is the war room!"
Let's look at the first scenario: Putin being arrested the moment he sets foot on US soil. Well, it's worth putting a daft tenner on because the odds of this are effectively zero. Unless the US government decided to make a once-in-history, politically nuclear move. Here’s why:
- ICC Warrant vs. U.S. Law
The International Criminal Court (ICC) issued an arrest warrant for Putin in March 2023 over alleged war crimes in Ukraine (specifically the deportation of Ukrainian children). However, the US is not a member of the ICC and has no legal obligation to enforce ICC warrants. In fact, U.S. law (the American Service-Members’ Protection Act) explicitly restricts cooperation with the ICC in most cases. - Diplomatic Immunity
As a sitting head of state, Putin enjoys full diplomatic immunity under international law while on official visits. Arresting him would require the US to rip up long-standing diplomatic norms: the sort of move that would almost certainly lead to a major geopolitical crisis or even military confrontation. - Political Realities
Even if the ICC warrant was recognised, the US government would weigh the consequences: you’re not just arresting a foreign leader, you’re arresting the leader of a nuclear-armed state with a track record of extreme retaliation. That’s not the kind of 'quick legal win' any administration is likely to risk. - What Would Have to Happen for It to Occur
The only conceivable pathway would be:- Putin travels to the US without diplomatic immunity (he wouldn’t set foot in America unless invited for official talks).
- The US government formally agrees to cooperate with the ICC warrant.
- A political decision is made to trigger a global crisis for the sake of enforcement.
Yeah, this isn't going to happen unless the US has already decided it wanted open confrontation with Russia.
So discounting that It’s looking very much like a rerun of the carve up at the 1944 Yalta Conference: only not in Ukraine, only if the British weren’t there and instead only the fascists turned up.
But what about Alaska?
Picture the scene: the icy tarmac of the runway. Donald Trump waddles down the steps of Twat Force One, parka straining against the blubber of Big Mac loyalty, while Vladimir Putin emerges from his own jet like a Bond villain on a power walk. Cameras click, Secret Service bristles, and somewhere a bald eagle cries in the distance: probably because it knows what’s coming.
They shake hands, and Trump launches into his familiar spray of hot air:
“Alaska, folks, beautiful place, cold, very cold, but the people love me, they really do. If I’d been president in 1867, we would have bought it for a lot less than $7.2 million, believe me. We got ripped off by Seward, nice guy but not a great dealmaker.”
Putin smirks. He’s been here before, the man has spent the last two decades sewing together bits of the old Russian Empire like a tailor who thinks his client list includes Catherine the Great. Crimea, Donetsk, Luhansk, Tblisi… all justified by the same mantra: if it was once Russian, it is forever Russian.
And here’s the thing: Alaska was Russian.
From 1741, when Vitus Bering and Alexei Chirikov landed on its shores, the Tsar’s flag fluttered over these frozen lands. The Russian-American Company ruled the territory as a corporate fiefdom, extracting sea otter pelts for profit while treating the indigenous Aleut, Tlingit, and Yup’ik people as little more than expendable labour.
The Russian colonists’ record? Unsurprisingly fucking brutal.
The Aleuts were forced into near-slavery to hunt sea otters, their communities ravaged by disease brought from Europe. When the Tlingit resisted, Russian forces burned their villages, destroyed food stores, and massacred men, women, and children.
By the early 19th century, indigenous populations in some regions had been reduced by more than half, with some whole islands emptied: a genocide by attrition.
The empire’s cruelty and greed bled the colony dry. By the 1860s, Russia was financially crippled after losing the Crimean War and feared losing Alaska to the British in Canada without compensation. So in 1867, Foreign Minister Eduard de Stoeckl approached US Secretary of State William H Seward with an offer.
The deal? $7.2 million: about 2 cents an acre for 586,000 square miles of land. Critics called it ‘Seward’s Folly’ at the time, but the gold rush, oil, and strategic position on the Pacific Rim would prove them spectacularly wrong. Alaska became America’s shield in the Cold War, a place from which you could see Russia on a clear day.
A Russian Orthodox Church in Alaska
Fast-forward to now, and you can see why Alaska is more than just a snowbound curiosity to Putin. In his mind, the Tsars’ empire never died, it just went into temporary cold storage. Crimea was ‘returned’. Ukraine is ‘being corrected’ and Alaska? Well, that’s just on the to-do list.
So when Putin leans in over a bear steak dinner and says:
“Donald… how much for Alaska?”
Trump’s eyes don’t narrow in suspicion, they widen in opportunity.
First, he rants about ‘how America never uses Alaska enough’ and ‘how Russia could handle the snow better’. Then Putin sweetens the deal, a golden penthouse in Moscow, a massive Trump Tower in Red Square, maybe even honorary Cossack status (“you get a hat, Donald”).
I can see it now Pravda announcing Sarah Palin as the 'People's new Siberian Sister'...
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
From the Office of the Former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin
Subject: Smooth Sailing into Our New… um… Союз?
Hi there, Alaska! Well, gosh darn it, as you all probably heard on the moosevine, we’re now officially a part of the big ol’ Russian Federation. Now, I know what you’re thinkin’: 'Sarah, didn’t you once say you could see Russia from your house?' Yes, and guess what? It's closer than I thought!
The Kremlin tells me this is a smooth transition of management, which I think means the same thing as when Walmart changes the manager of the frozen foods section, except with a little more fur hats and slightly fewer teeth. I’ve already started brushing up on my Russian. So far I can say:
- 'Здравствуйте' which means “Hi, y’all!”
- 'Где туалет?' vital for town hall meetings.
- And my favourite: “Путин: очень хороший босс” which they tell me is ;Please don’t arrest me, Mr Putin'
Now, some changes are comin’ our way:
- All road signs will be in Cyrillic. That’s those cute backwards letters that make you feel like you’re reading through a funhouse mirror.
- My son Track has to officially change his name to Трек, which I’ve been told means 'track' but also sounds like an all-terrain military vehicle, which I think he’ll like.
- Moose hunting season is now year-round but only if you wear the official red armband with the two-headed eagle on it.
I want to reassure everyone that I will continue to serve the people of Alaska under our new bosses in Moscow. And by 'serve' I mean I will cheerfully translate your needs into my new language, which, let’s be honest, I’m already pickin’ up real quick. Like, the other day, I learned that 'Nyet' means 'No' which explains all my calls to Governor Putin’s office. Remember, Alaska: change is just like ice fishing. You sit there in the cold, you wait forever, and eventually you pull up something weird-looking and hope it’s edible. God bless Alaska, and… uh… Бог благословит Россию!
(That’s “God bless Russia” — I think.) Sarah Palin
Ex-Governor, New Deputy Regional Happiness Liaison, Republic of Alaska Oblast
During the bizarre spectacle of President Putin's 'goodwill' trip to the newly rebranded Alaska Oblast, it would hard not to see the whole thing as a warped Wizard of Oz tableau: Trump as a spray-tanned Dorothy in ruby snow boots, blundering up the icy yellow brick road with a MAGA-capped Toto in tow, gushing about the “beautiful new management deal, the greatest deal in history” while barely noticing the Russian flags overhead. Trailing behind is the cowardly lion in the form of every spineless politician who waved it through, all bluster until Moscow growled. The empty-hearted tin man is JD Vance, clanking along without a flicker of compassion for the people now living under a foreign flag. And bringing up the rear, the brainless literal Straw Man in the shape of Pam Bondi, grinning in the snowdrift without the faintest idea how the hell they got there. Out of the eastern blizzards loomed Putin as the Wicked Witch of the East, his black robes swirling, flanked by flocks of FSB-badged flying monkeys dropping contracts in Cyrillic. Every time Trump clicked his heels and muttered “there’s no place like home,” it only seemed to underline the punchline, home, for Alaska at least, now came with a Kremlin postcode.
And you just know Trump’s reply: “Well, Vlad, you’ve been very nice to me, very strong. Strong leader. Nobody stronger. If we can put my name on it, Trumplaska, we might have something. I mean, the people there will be fine, they’ll speak Russian, they’ll learn. Everyone’s saying it would be beautiful.”
Because for Trump, patriotism is just a flag he waves until someone offers him a bigger cut of the deal. And for Putin, Alaska isn’t about the land, it’s about rewriting history, righting a historical wrong, proving to the world that the Russian Empire never truly shrank, only waited for its chance.
And if that means making a deal with a morally bankrupt president who sees the United States as a personal garage sale? Well, in Putin’s world, that’s just good business.
Denali, the formerly Inuit named largest mountain in Alaska, now renamed by the Donald 'Mt McKinley', its former US name, named after Trumps tariff wet dream 19th Century Presidential hero, and possibly about to find itself renamed Bolshaya Gora, its former Tsarist name. If only it could, it would roll its eyes in despair and beggared belief at the continuing folly of the wankspanners in charge the Planets apex species. It knows that in 100 million years it will be worn down to desert - and it thinks this isn't a moment too soon.
About this article
This is satire: but of course Trump and Putin meeting to carve up Ukraine isn't funny.
Putin’s worldview is rooted in a strain of Russian nationalism that sees the Soviet collapse not as liberation for former republics, but as a geopolitical catastrophe. He’s said as much publicly, calling the dissolution of the USSR 'the greatest geopolitical tragedy of the 20th century'. That’s not nostalgia for Marxism; it’s nostalgia for empire.
The ideology driving his policy, often framed as the 'Russian World' (Russkiy Mir), is about restoring influence and, where possible, control over territories that were once part of Imperial Russia or the Soviet Union. Ukraine, Georgia, the Baltic states, even parts of Central Asia, all feature in that mental map, as no doubt does Alaska with its Russian Orthodox Churches. Crimea in 2014 and the 2022 invasion of Ukraine weren’t rogue impulses;:they were direct applications of that belief. So when we drop 'Putin' into a cartoon, even a parody where he looks like Kenny from South Park, with someone like Trump, it's a huge message. We're playing with the fact that one is an unapologetic expansionist, and the other… well, Trump has a record of being oddly accommodating to those ambitions, often undermining the US’s traditional alliances in the process. That’s why the dynamic works for satire: it’s absurd, but also uncomfortably plausible.
A bit of shameless self-plugging here. This is www.TetleysTLDR.com blog. It's not monetised. Please feel free to go and look at the previous blogs on the website and if you like them, please feel free to share them.
