We need to talk about Boris
TetleysTldr: The Summary
The Boris Files confirm what we always knew: Johnson is a corrupt, entitled parasite. While in No.10 he was flogging off his PM contacts for cash, lobbying Saudi despots, and secretly meeting Palantir’s Peter Thiel before the NHS was handed over to his data-mining outfit. Since leaving office he’s trousered millions from shady deals and £5m in hot-air 'speeches' and yet he’s STILL leeching £115,000 a year from the taxpayer under the ex-PM allowance scheme. This money is supposed to fund public service, not bankroll Boris’s luxury lifestyle. Even now, under investigation by the ethics watchdog, he keeps the cash flowing. It’s a piss-take of the highest order. We should all be sick of subsidising this snake oil salesman, enough is enough: stop Boris mugging us all off.
TetleysTLDR: The article
I have to admit I never liked this twat. I lost associates because of the fucking Stockholm syndrome around him. Sometimes seeing people who I thought had a working brain supporting him as he took the piss out of all of us I stood back and wondered if I was looking from the outside in from a parallel universe. Boris Johnson has always been a walking scandal, a living embodiment of the greasy twatocracy that has hollowed out Britain. But the latest revelations, the so-called 'Boris Files' mug us all off on a level even by his standards.
Boris Johnson is not an aberration. He’s not some comic-book buffoon who stumbled into Downing Street by accident, shagged his way through staffers, ruffled his hair, and walked off whistling Rule Britannia. No, Boris Johnson is the logical conclusion of Britain’s decaying political class: a corrupt, entitled, public-school prick who has spent his entire career treating public office as a plaything and the British taxpayer as his personal ATM.
Union Jerk-off: How the Hell did this country give this woppa the nuclear codes?
The latest revelations, the so-called Boris Files, blow the lid off what many of us already knew. According to The Guardian, while still in office Johnson was quietly trading Prime Ministerial connections for private gain. That’s not a misunderstanding or a misstep, it’s cash-for-access on an industrial scale. Johnson was lobbying, cutting secret deals, promising favours, and fattening his post-office nest egg while the rest of us were told to tighten our belts. Then, once booted out of No.10 in disgrace, he set up a private company, strutted onto the lucrative speech circuit, and signed contracts worth millions. He wasn’t done with Britain, he was just getting started with selling it off.
And yet this same parasite continues to drain £115,000 a year from the public purse under the Prime Ministerial allowance scheme. This pot of money, meant for ex-PMs who carry out legitimate 'public duties' is being funnelled straight into propping up Boris’s private empire. Does anyone seriously believe Johnson is out there conducting sober, statesmanlike work on behalf of Britain? His public duty is limited to making sure the Bollinger’s chilled before he blathers his way through another half-baked after-dinner speech. Fwa Fwa, erm something in Latin fwa bleugh fwa fwa
The government’s ethics watchdog has belatedly launched an investigation. But while the inquiry grinds on, Johnson keeps cashing the cheques. If you or I were being investigated for corruption at work, we’d be suspended without pay. With Boris, the rules bend, the chequebook stays open, and the gravy train keeps a rolling.
Fred Scuttled: The UK representative at the Table FFS
Sleaze, Saudi Arabia, and Silicon Valley
The Boris Files detail lobbying efforts for Saudi officials on behalf of a firm he co-chaired. This wasn’t just a networking dinner or harmless chinwag. It was a former Prime Minister bending the ear of one of the world’s most repressive regimes for private profit. At the same time, Johnson and Dominic Cummings secretly met with billionaire Peter Thiel, founder of Palantir, the shadowy US data-mining company.
Johnson wasn’t just whoring himself out to Silicon Valley billionaires, he was actively flogging Britain’s most sacred public institution to a surveillance empire. His cosy little secret meeting with billionaire and quite frankly fucking awful human being Peter Thiel wasn’t networking, it was a shakedown. Not long after, Palantir, a CIA-spawned, data-mining vulture got its claws into NHS patient data. That’s your medical records, my medical records, sold off to a creepy US spook-tech outfit so Boris could bank favours and grease his post-No.10 payday. This isn’t just sleaze, it’s treasonous: the wholesale auctioning of our health service’s guts to the highest bidder. A Prime Minister hawking the NHS like dodgy gear from a car boot sale.
Let that sink in: while still PM, Johnson was cutting private deals and smoothing the runway for Silicon Valley vultures to sink their claws into Britain’s most sacred public institution. Our NHS wasn’t just underfunded, privatised, and carved up by stealth it was literally being flogged to data barons through the back door of No.10. And yet this man, this walking sleaze-factory, has the gall to claim a six-figure taxpayer stipend for 'public service'.
The £5 Million Question
Johnson certainly doesn’t need the money. Reports show he’s made over £5 million just from speeches. Hedge funds, banks, corporate boards, they’ve lined up to throw money at him for an hour of 'banter' and bluster. They’re not paying for eloquence. They’re paying for access. For the thrill of proximity to the man who once had the nuclear codes. For the chance to grease the wheels of future deals. This is corruption dressed up in a dinner jacket. These speaking engagements are just bribes with better catering.
The Rotten Tradition
Boris Johnson didn't invent this racket. He’s just the most brazen, shameless example of it. British politics has long operated as a revolving door between public office and private capital. Thatcher’s ministers ended up on the boards of the very industries they privatised. Blair swanned off to make millions consulting for Gulf dictatorships. Cameron, not content with steering Britain into austerity, re-emerged in the Greensill scandal, lobbying ministers on behalf of a finance firm that went bust in spectacular fashion. The pattern is clear: public office is a temporary inconvenience before the real payday begins. Johnson has simply stripped away the fig leaf of discretion. Where Blair cultivated a veneer of statesmanlike gravitas, Johnson just openly cashes in like a bloke flogging dodgy gear out the back of a van.
Tugging at it: Boris fiddled while Britain locked down
The Old Boys’ Club
Johnson’s corruption is inseparable from his class. The entitlement. The indifference. The assumption that rules are for other people. This is the Old Etonian worldview: that Britain is their inheritance, not a country of citizens. When Johnson was sacked from The Times for lying, he landed at The Telegraph. When he was fired as Shadow Arts Minister for lying again, he bounced into the London mayoralty. When his serial dishonesty, laziness, and recklessness caused chaos as PM, he still walked away with a fortune and a taxpayer allowance.
Failure is rewarded. Dishonesty is excused. Corruption is normalised. For Boris and his ilk, politics isn’t about service; it’s about self-enrichment.
Covid, Contracts, and Carnage
And let’s not forget the backdrop: Johnson’s premiership presided over tens of thousands of avoidable Covid deaths. Boris didn’t just blunder through Covid, he weaponised it for his own class. His premiership wasn’t about getting the country through the crisis, it was about ensuring that no Tory donor, hedge fund pal, or Bullingdon old boy missed out on the feeding frenzy. People died needlessly, while the Prime Minister and his cronies treated a global pandemic like a fucking cash cow.
We know the figures. Over 200,000 Covid deaths in Britain, with studies showing that a vast chunk of them were avoidable if the government hadn’t dithered, delayed, and lied. Remember Johnson bragging about shaking hands in hospitals? Remember Eat Out to Help Out, Sunak’s wheeze that turbocharged the second wave? They didn’t just mismanage, they actively cultivated chaos.
And in the fog, they opened the sluice gates of the Treasury. Take the VIP lane. This wasn’t some conspiracy theory; it was a literal fast track system set up so ministers, special advisers, and Tory MPs could funnel their pals into £billions worth of PPE contracts. Companies with zero track record in medical supplies suddenly landed nine-figure deals because they had the right WhatsApp number. PestFix, a pest control outfit, got £350 million. A small family office, Ayanda Capital, was handed £252 million and guess what? One of its advisers was a government trade adviser. It stunk to high heaven. Firms linked to Tory donors, ex-ministers, or Conservative councillors got prioritised while proper suppliers were ignored. The National Audit Office later confirmed it: contacts meant cash.
And the results? Mountains of unusable kit. Gowns that couldn’t be used. Masks that didn’t meet NHS standards. Storage warehouses filled with billions of pounds worth of junk PPE while nurses and carers wrapped themselves in bin bags. Public money wasn’t just wasted, it was shovelled straight into the pockets of the Tory network.
Then there was Randox: the company that paid Owen Paterson £100,000 a year as a consultant. They landed contracts worth nearly £500 million without competition. When MPs tried to censure Paterson for lobbying, Johnson himself tried to rip up the rules to protect him. It wasn’t just sleaze, it was systemic: a governing party acting like the pandemic was their chance to privatise grief.
All the while, they partied. Partygate wasn’t just about cake, it was the perfect metaphor. While families said goodbye to loved ones over Zoom, Johnson and his gang necked bottles of wine in Downing Street gardens, laughed about getting away with it, and treated lockdown as something for the little people.
This isn’t ancient history. Johnson is still out there, grinning his way through after-dinner speeches, trying to flog memoirs and speeches at £250 a head, living off the back of a crisis that killed our neighbours, our families, our colleagues. He wants us to subsidise his champagne lifestyle while the rest of us live with the wreckage of austerity, inflation, and a health service stripped to the bone.
Never forget: when the chips were down, Johnson’s Tories looked at mass death and thought this is an opportunity. They didn’t let a good crisis go to waste, they wrung it for every drop of profit, leaving the country poorer, sicker, and angrier than before. And they’ll do it again the moment they get the chance.
And this is the same Boris Johnson who now wants us to subsidise his fucking champagne lifestyle.
And the Rubles rolled in...
And while we are at it lets not forget the Russian angle. Johnson wasn’t some trench-coated KGB recruit with a codename, but he didn’t need to be, he was a walking gift to Moscow. His party was swimming in oligarch cash, his government buried the Russia Report because it might expose Brexit as a Kremlin-boosted con, and he spent his weekends getting sloshed at Evgeny Lebedev’s villa, the son of a KGB agent he later ennobled. This has Kompromat written all over it. This is the Prime Minister who flew straight from a NATO summit to a Russian oligarch’s party without security, who green-lit dodgy Russian donations while pretending interference didn’t exist, and who happily let the Putin’s useful idiot label stick. Johnson wasn’t a Russian asset in the spy novel sense, he was something far worse: a greedy, compromised clown who weakened Britain from the inside and called it statesmanship.
Starmer’s Test
Now it falls to our moribund great leader Keir Starmer’s Labour government. A petition launched by campaigners calls on Starmer and the Cabinet Office to suspend Johnson’s £115,000 allowance until the investigation concludes. 38 Degrees Petition
And where’s Starmer in all this? Hiding, of course. The forensic lawyer who can’t muster the spine to cut Johnson’s taxpayer allowance while he’s under investigation for corruption. If it were you or me under probe, we’d be suspended without pay in a heartbeat. But for Boris? The cheques keep rolling. Why? Well Starmer’s Labour are terrified of smashing the racket because they're part of it too. Scratch the surface and you find the same rotten networks: Labour Friends of Israel, Labour Friends of Business, Labour Friends of Nonces, the same grimy constellation of lobbyists, donors, enablers, sex cases and fixers greasing each other’s palms. Starmer won’t touch Johnson’s allowance because he’s saving the perk for himself when he eventually slithers off to Goldman Sachs or some Gulf dictatorship. Labour shielding Johnson isn’t weakness, it’s complicity. They’d rather keep the gravy train chugging than risk exposing the whole system as the corrupt kleptocracy it is. That’s not opposition, that’s collaboration.
So will they? Or will Labour continue the grand British tradition of shielding elites from consequence, lest the whole rotten edifice come crashing down? The sad truth is they probably won't - but they should be put on notice that acting like a bunch of cunts has electoral consequences.
Because if Johnson can get away with this, if Boris Johnson can still suck £115k a year from the public purse while flogging NHS data to spooks, lobbying dictators, and hoovering up millions in sleaze, then Britain isn’t a democracy. It’s a twatocracy in a clown mask: a protection racket. It's a Lemming suicide cliff jump where the parasites who caused all the shit we're in write the rules and quaff chilled Bolly why we have to open foodbanks at the rate of five a week, to soften the harden they've created. Is that the kind of country you want to live in?
If a man under investigation for flogging NHS data, lobbying despots, and pocketing millions from sleaze can still draw a taxpayer allowance, then the message is clear: Britain isn’t a democracy.
Boris is the effect not the cause
This is not just about Boris. It’s about smashing the system that produces Borises by the Fortnum & Mason crate full. It’s about tearing down the revolving door between politics and profit. It’s about ending the grotesque spectacle of failed leaders cashing in on connections while ordinary people have to decide whether to eat of heat their homes.
Suspend the allowance. Investigate the corruption. But let’s go further. Scrap the Prime Ministerial perk altogether. No more public handouts to men and women who’ve already sold their souls to corporate boardrooms. No more soft landings for politicians who crash the economy, torch the NHS, and betray the public trust. Fuck them all.
A Parasite in Human Form
Boris Johnson isn’t just a failed Prime Minister, he’s the poster boy of a failed political system. A parasite in human form. A man who partied while the nation grieved, who lied while thousands died, who flogged off public assets while stuffing his own pockets. And now, insult of insults, he expects us to keep paying him for the privilege. His cuntishness knows no bounds and his self-awareness must cry itself to sleep at night.
We need to talk about Boris. But more importantly, we need to act against everything he represents: the corruption, the twatocracy, the entitlement, the kleptocracy. Because until we do, this country will remain a playground for the Boris Johnsons of this world, and a living nightmare for everyone else who has to put up with this shit.
Suspend his allowance, strip his perks, and let Boris Johnson rot in the gilded gutter he built for himself.
Petition
Suspend Boris Johnson’s £115,000 yearly allowance - paid for by us, the taxpayer - until the investigation into reports of his dodgy dealings is done.
Why is this important? Leaked files reveal Boris Johnson’s secret deals, shady lobbying, and cash grabs - including while he was Prime Minister. After leaving office, he cashed in, raking in millions from private gigs and business deals.
And yet he’s still pocketing £115,000 of OUR money a year - an allowance meant for public duties. Media reports suggest he may be using it to prop up his private empire while the ethics watchdog investigates. It stinks.
From lobbying Saudi officials to secretly meeting billionaire Peter Thiel before Palantir got NHS data work, the reports of Johnson’s actions are outrageous.
Sign the petition now to suspend his £115,000 annual allowance until the investigation is complete. He doesn’t deserve a penny while under scrutiny.
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